Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
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waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I feel seen
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Not recommended for beginners.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷