I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
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This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.