I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
You Might Also Like
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”