[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
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No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
They got Raph!
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog