I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
You Might Also Like
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
the composer
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Godspeed, John Glenn
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.