“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
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I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Self-cleaning conscience
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.