And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
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just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?