Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
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There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine