Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
You Might Also Like
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Running from your problems is cardio .
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
That’s incredible! 👌
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.