The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
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So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.