Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
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mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m having an out of money experience.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote