I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
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they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
“Theirye’re” problem solved