therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
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[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe