Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
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SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it