Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
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If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
it must be school picture day
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Last-minute gift idea!