depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
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Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.