[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
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I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY