Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
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Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.