So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
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Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
s
oc
i
a
l
You’ll be OK
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end