If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
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we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
new wife guy just dropped
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
¯_(ツ)_/¯
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”