which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
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Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
no!! no!!!!!!
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.