Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
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Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”