Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
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I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot