Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
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Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My god she’s good.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret