I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
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Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
My sex drive has a dui
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
im 7 sauces long
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same