[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
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[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
not seeing the problem
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*