Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
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teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I’d hang this in my house.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is