I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
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the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.