I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
You Might Also Like
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.