Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
You Might Also Like
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl