“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
May have had one breakfast too many
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Remember folks 😂
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*