ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
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*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN