THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
You Might Also Like
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.