I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
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WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.