[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
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I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Whisper out to librarians!
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.