You Might Also Like
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
i baked you a cake
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy