If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]