I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
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Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?