Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
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A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Happy thanksgiving!
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?