If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
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me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done