They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
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[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks