chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
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The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?