“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
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I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?