Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
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One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Born to be mild.