I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh