I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
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Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.