Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
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Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning