If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
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Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
There are no pants in heaven.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
This dude got his own movie?
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.