My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
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Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time