Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
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The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
All. The. Damn. Time.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee